I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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