I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
do nipples grow back?
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