Sorry, I don't speak sober.
In America we eat man semen.
smell my finger.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
