pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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