Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
