literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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