I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
