im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
