what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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