my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
