Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
