Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
