i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
