Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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