I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
