do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
