things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Every concussion has its silver lining
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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