i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Every concussion has its silver lining
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Randomize
