I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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