are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
