I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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