We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she told me i tasted like america
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
