Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Randomize
