So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
