come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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