i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
