i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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