Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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