i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
