your parents love me but you hate me
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
