Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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