Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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