literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
