So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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