you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
