You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
