You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
