I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Sorry my hands just texted you
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
