never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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