Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
