I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
