There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
