mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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