I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
