Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
