You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My vagina just recognized that song.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
