I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
