My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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