My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
