theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
