the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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