Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
