I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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