So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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