Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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